Abhiyum Naanum (Abhi and Me)

Some stories are meant to be poems and some poems are meant to be stories. When I was watching this movie, I just felt as though am reading a poem. So nicely and naturally taken projecting the Father's love for daughter. All fathers can easily relate to it and so are the daughters. And this movie, oh my god...I felt as though I was watching myself and kind of my story. Only difference is the dad in the moview was monetarily rich while my dad was rich in values and character.
My dad is the best. May be every son and daughter would say that. But as far as I have observed I still would proudly say my dad is the best. For him it is always his daughters and family comes first. I have never seen him doing anything for himself. He would do everything only for us. If it is a festival then only we would get dress and he wouldnt get. He was so protective of us and actually I kind of didnt understand it that time and used to fight with him for being so protective.
I think only after my marriage, I became very close to him. Till then, though I adore him we always used to fight a lot because of him being so protective of me and because of I being more independent. But one thing for sure me and my sister always had a trust on him that if he is near to us nothing can harm us.
There are so many things that would always be in my memory...But the blogs wont be enough to put them in...One of those memorable thing is...
Like the cycle race. I wanted a cycle of my own for long time. I know our family economy condition but still I badly needed one. From my sixth standard, it was like you get first rank you get a cycle. And I managed to get first rank but poor dad, he couldnt keep his promise. I was so angry with him at first that in my seventh standard I wantedly wrote my science paper so badly that I got only 35. (I gave a mild attack to my science teacher..that was a different story). It made him so worry and then he promised that he would buy a cycle for me no matter what if at all I get school first. And getting school first in a school where the strength was 250 per class my god was too tough. But somehow I made it. I literally came running to my house and was waiting for my dad. And he didnt turn up till it was 9:00 pm. Tired and upset I slept off. Around 10:00 he came home and woke me up to show me my new cycle. It was just a WOW moment. More than the cycle what I admired him then and even now is he got the cycle for me even without knowing the results. It was really a big thing for me. And then I made a small jewellery box for my cycle key (all in the night ha ha) and kept the keys inside and lied down hugging my keys. (actually i wanted to sleep hugging the cycle ;) And from then, every evening I would take the cycle and go to my dads office. and then we will have a race back home. I always used to beat him in the race and he always used to be so proud of it. But in the last race we had, I met with a big accident and thats it...From then he didnt allow me to touch the cycle and race tho dhoor ki bath..
I think its nice to have Father and Daughter ONLY moments...Actually its so playful, fun and what not. My mom is also so protective of us but she is so confident on my dad than she herself. So me and my sis had a lot of dad only moments.Be it riding a cycle, Or Playing shuttle, or having a race, or shopping with him and trying to divert him so that he forgets what mom said, walking with him..and very importantly playing in the beach...it was the most scariest and at the same time funniest thing and then the rides..be it Giant wheel or Bungee jumping..why fear when dad near!!! confidence.
We always used to argue for almost everything. Right from my studies to job and then to marriage, there always had been a fight. I desperately wanted to join Engineering but he wasnt sure so when I got a engineering seat outside chennai..we fought...then I joined B.Sc and then I got job in SBI which I dont wanted to join but he wanted me to take it up, Later I got in covanys which I want to join and he dont want me to join..Likewise so many times we had argued but I know all these arguments are all because he was so protective and caring of me.
And then my marriage...Thats what is the coincidence...its just the same as this movie. My hubby was telugu but my dad cant understand or speak Telugu. So intially he wasnt really happy about it. I never understood why should he feel so bad about language but later after marriage...he is now managing to understand and even speak some words in Telugu. He started understanding for my sake and now started trying to speak for his grand daughters sake..:)After marriage and after becoming a parent is when we realize the importance of our parents. Till the time whatever was taken for granted, till the time the comfort they provide us is lost, we never really understand the need and dependency of them.
Just the way I had lots and lots of fun with my dad, Just the way I feel so protected when He is near me...I want the same for my daughter. So many times I send my daughter with her dad, and I wont accompany them. I will just be far and watch. I just love to watch the bondage they develop and adore that.Even now when something goes wrong, or if i need a moral support I know I can depend on my dad. He will be there. Our relationship is not bound by honestly respect(I am not being rude) it is more of bound by Love , affection and Care.
I have seen my friends, who respect their parents and at times try to do things to please their parents and also are at times afraid of their parents. But am really the blessed where I never need to act in front of my parents for anything. If I am angry I can yell at them without any fear or worry if they will misunderstand me..Because I know they wont feel bad Because I know that they very well know much I love them. The place where we live can be called as a home or house depending on whether we live or exist there. And that very much depends on the family.
I am truly lucky to have a father who would do anything..just anything for my sake and my sisters sake. For him our happiness matters the most. And I just hope and pray that we bring all the happiness for him in all that we do.
So to end with..if you get a chance watch ABHIYUM NANUM..and if you get a chance dont wait to let your dad know that you love him..Just say it..NOW.
Btw..MY DAD IS BEST u c...:)

Pinch of Pain

He speaks
Dressed up words
I seek
Truthful worlds

Around me floats
Jokes and joy
No one in my boats
I fake smiles of Coy

He knows
But doesn’t understands
May be He knows
What I didn’t understand

Scared of the naked truth
Can’t fill the dots
Nothings true…
Who’d fill the dots?

Long roads
All alone
All I need is
You to understand

It rained
I drenched
I cried
It pained

No one noticed
It pained
No one listened
It pained
No one understood
It pained

Noticed ones passed by
It pained
Listened ones gossiped
It pained
Understood ones
Stood helpless
It pained

A bottle of venom
A Pinch of pain
Relieved
A life in vain…

… And the dots bloat on…

The best Professor

The most wonderful Teacher.
I would not be doing justice to my blog, if I dont write about the most wonderful,dedicated and the best teacher I had come across - Mahalakshmi Mam.

Throught my school and college days I have been very blessed with good and encouraging teachers around. I didnt study in the best of schools, I had always been to government schools with scholarship and every class had a strength of 80 plus but always had been with the best and good teachers. And the most important person in my life would be Mahalakshmi mam, without whom I would never have completed my graduation.

After getting pathetically less marks in Chemistry, I knew that my engineering dreams are almost crushed. I made it to a college outside chennai. But being from a orthodox and middle class family, I couldnt go and join it. So I had to compromise to join Bsc Physics but the very first day I entered the lab with lots of depression, the things changed.

Mahalakshmi mam, was so empathetic, wonderful and very patient and knowledgeable. The way she explained things in practical class just made me feel better. Infact I was happy that I missed out the engineering for otherwise I would never have had a chance to come across Mam.
She was strict yet caring. she was polite yet would make it a point that we understand her.She will take strain in making us understand things and unless she is satisfied that we have got the point, she would not stop.

Things were going on well and I was enjoying my first two years in college as a class rep and with wonderful friends and lecturers. Thats when we friends decided to appear for BSRB exam. Just for fun we want to write. And throughout India OC had only 7 seats. so we know we dont have any chance. But still four of my friends went and attended the exam. Honestly, its the very easiest paper.

And then I got through that and was posted in State Bank of India. Now I was not sure if I have to take that offer.If I take that offer, I could help my family but I would have to discontinue my college and who would want to miss the final year of college life. And because of Mam, me and my friend became addicted to Physics and we wanted to do our masters in IIT. And this offer was such a big turning point. Because one thing is I need to discontinue my education and other thing is that the job offer was in a village which is around 7 hours away from my Chennai.And finally I decided not to take it up.

But my parents were not very happy. And then I went and spoke to Mahalakshmi mam. And mam convinced me to take the offer. She told me to take a break of 6 months in college and then join Bank and finish my probation period in bank and then come back and join college again. She said she would help me with practicals. And another thing she highlighted is I would get an oppurtunity to serve people by Joining in a rural place. Well the two years in SBI was ofcourse a big learning experience.Now I did as Mam said but unfortunately after 6 months when I came back to join college, I was not well. Had malaria and viral fever so missed college for one more month and so I was not allowed to write exam that year. So I had to take practicals only the next year.

from then my nightmare started, when all my friends had completed their graduation, I havent still. I managed to clear my therory papers with 80 plus percentage by writing it private but practicals was the one I really feared. That is when once again Mam came to my help. She asked me to come to college on every saturday for around a month and then she too came patiently taught me everything. Final year Physics practicals was not really easy. But within 4 classess she made me learn everything and patiently taught me everything. I scored 100 percent in practicals just because of her.

Not only me, she has been a mentor to so many of students. She has helped us at times not only academically but in other aspects as well. I am proud that am her student and I got a good fortune of meeting her in Singapore when she had come to accompany her niece. She was very supportive and even now provided moral support to me when my hubby had to go thru a major surgery.

No words are enough to describe about her. We all just feel very proud and grateful of her throughout our life.

Thank you Mam, for always being there for us.

Pleasure or Pressure

I am taking my seventeen months darling to day care to leave her for half a day. When she holds my hand and walks with me to the play school I feel so proud and as though my darling is doing a great achievement.Just cant express it in words the pleasure I feel to take her to school carrying her bag. But then the moment I leave her there the way she cries to leave me and go inside is just creating such a immense pressure once again no words to express.And again when I go to pick her up, you should see the happiness in that small angels face. And the moment I carry her she gives me some hundred kissess and literally holding on to me.Oh god!!! This is just like watching the tides in ocean. Pleasure followed by Pressure and then pleasure. So in the end what would I call it Is sending your baby to play school a pleasure or pressure?

My little princess going to school

Feb 9th, a never to be forgotten date. Our little princess started going to play school. We just enrolled her for half a day session. Feb 9th it was okay, And yesterday I too was with her. But she was not very happy. The moment I left her for few mintues to go and register, she was in tears. When I saw the total helpless state of tears she was in, I just immediately wanted to resign. But at the same time I thought that is the only way she is going to learn sharing and caring.
Today its Feb 11th and I left my darling in the play school. I was there with her for 10 to 15 minutes and then met all the teachers and told them to take care of her and to call me if she cries. And without her knowledge I just started to my office.
On the way back I felt such a heavy heart. As though am a TARE ZAMEEN PAR Mother. Back in my heart I could even hear the song..tuje sab kuch patha hai na ma..and could imagine my baby helplessly waiting in the door for me. I just couldnt control my tears and I just wanted to run away back to her. It took all my will power to drag myself to office. Physically in office but mentally am just thinking of my darling.
I hope she doesnt cry. Now its 56 minutes more after which I would just run away to hug her. Hope she is fine.
Guess at times being a mother is so tough. Its a proud moment to see my little darling walking inside the school on her own and also a little burden in the heart of missing her and worrying about her. I guess a mother no matter what would always have some worries for her baby. NOw I understand why my mom always keeps worrying about me and keep calling me.
Mothers never change!!!

This Old Man - My grand Pa

My grand dad passed a way 10 days ago. Exactly on the same day as Mahatma died. And I couldnt even attend his funeral. He was 86 plus years old. And was counting his days. He is one who actually chose his death.

I have seen him as a working man, later as a retired man, with his wife(my grand ma) and the last seven years without his wife. He has taught a great lesson and when am writing this, I feel so nostalgic and at the same time a unknown burden in my heart.

My granny had pampered him a lot. He always used to be so egoistic and never even mingled with his own sons and daughters. Whenever he spoke a few words with us I used to feel so proud. He had four sons and two daughters. One of his sons my uncle was mentally challenged and died at his thirties. And so he has around well how many...mmm if am not wrong 7 grand daughters and 3 grand sons..And if anytime he spoke to any of us we used to feel that we had been given some great respect.

Later after he retired..he was juggled between his sons. Its a pain to have more than one son. Number 1 lesson learnt..My grand ma never used to feel comfortable anywhere else other than my house. And my dad is the poor and unlucky middle son. Generally either the eldest or the youngest used to be close to the parents. And my dad was never really close to my grand parents but he was the one though complaining still took care of them. I know my dad. He just lives for his childern. Me and my sis. But deep inside I know how much he loved his parents and had actually longed for their love. Well now till my grnad ma was alive my grand dad lived a life of a king.

But after that alas...he was really a loner. Never having emotional bondage with any of us, he was then joined in a old age home by my uncle in banglore. I went to meet him there, since I was in banglore...seeing the plight of him brought loads of tears in my eyes. The man whom I have seen wiht so much ego and respect was lying down in a bed like some vegetable. The poor longing eyes he still told me what is the use of life when my three sons just left me here. I called my dad immediatlely who was in chennai..I asked him to come and take him to our house in chennai and that my dad did willingly not for my grand pas sake but for my sake.

I remember my grand pa always complaining about my dad to me. Lesson 2 learnt. Never talk bad about parents to their children. But he did. And in the end from 2005 till 2008 it was my dad who served him, including cleaning his shit to giving him food and even searching him when he just goes away. But then in November I wanted my dad to come and stay wiht me to take care of my child. And that is when not only that even my mom retired and one mistake my parents did is they never had a house of their own. Lesson 3 learned No matter what try and build ur own hosue however small it is. So they cant take my grnad pa with them so they asked my uncle to take care The same one who once left my grand pa in a old age home. He came and did the same thing again. And this time no me there to take him back.

And here i am who acted selfishly. When I was in banglore I asked my dad to take him but now i needed my parents to take care of my daughter so I was silent. Though inwardly i felt horrible I couldnt insist my parents to keep my grnad pa becoz one way I needed my parents and the other thing is even my dad getting older couldnt take care of my grand pa.

When all three sons and 10 grand children left him alone in a old age home, my otherwise healthy grand pa couldnt take it. He stopped eating and he chose his death.

Though 100's came to his funeral what is the point when none could be there in his last moments. That is what pains me the most. Even if he had wanted to say something there was no one..but some hospital nurse who was no way related to him in blood.

Life...how it changes...The very close people whom mattered to us become a burden to us when we are busy with other things!!! but does all this matters?I agree that my grand da was no emotinally involved and whatever be his negatives but when a soul is totally helpless is it right to just go and dump in a old age home.I do have answers but still am helpless. I hate myslef for that but what is the use of that too.

I dont know who all should be blamed becuase everyone will have their own justice. But in th e end of it one soul left this world with none to care for because of a disease called old age.
This one way guess will make me strong that in my old age even if am left alone in a old age home, I would consider it as a punishment that God had given to me for neglecting my grand parents may be.

Life is too short and too strange. And we should never let our happiness depened on other person even if its a blood relationship.Thats the final lesson I learnt.
Still I feel a lot and have lots to share but no words come only just that always there would be a burden a black mark in my heart because of this.

The worst Betrayal

Generally when we are low or when some one betrays us the first person we look to share our feelings is our friend. A best friend. But what if your own best friend lets you down.
Isnt it the worst betrayal you could ever face and at the end of it what is the lesson learnt.
How could some one who has spent time with us, understanding us and having been a good friend to us suddenly can let us down and even allow others to talk bad about us. Does that mean friendship holds no responsibility.

Some people we meet leave foot prints in our heart but some just leave some cracks in a delicate heart which never could be healed.

Could never blame those who behave in a way to break our heart but have to blame ourselves for letting our heart be so vulnerable.

Broken hearts can be healed though it leaves the mark it has made always.

Happen to read a poem written by a friend who has betrayed his best friend.

An echo fades into the night,

an eerie mournful sound.

A shooting star disappears from sight,

and I crumble to the ground.

There is no life within this garden;

my sobs are the only sound.

I have poisoned the honeyed fountain

where your love could be found.

Dazed, I stare at the stars above,

my grieving howls fill the night!

Unintended betrayal of love has

hidden you from my sight.

I remember how it used to be

when we shared our fears and delights.

You are a treasured friend to me.

How can I make things right?

Feeling afraid, cold and lonely,

I long to tell you how I feel,

but you don?t want to hear me.

The pain for you is much too real.

Should I back away and build a wall

and block away how I feel?

Or, should I give you a call?

We both need some time to heal.

An echo fades into the night as our friendship disappears.

How do I know what is right? How can I ease my fears?

If I do call you again, would the old wounds reappear?

I can?t stand to cause you pain. Hurting you again is my worst fear!